It was the average Saturday morning. I woke up at three AM, and walked into my closet (which is not a walk in closet, and would normally be a rather annoying happening). For every Saturday morning at three AM, my closet is a gateway.
A gateway into a magical land where animals talk, and there's a snowy land and shit.
JAY KAY LOL
My closet leads to Heaven. I'm not even kidding.
Every Saturday morning I go to Heaven, and I have a coffee-and-scone brunch with Jesus and Gandhi.
True story.
As I was saying, average Saturday morning...

I walk into the closet, and smile as I arrive in Heaven. It smells so nice here. The angels probably all wear deoderant. If only us on earth were so lucky that the other people around us wore deoderant (that's right, I'm talking to you Garret, you little piece of shit). The ground is made of clouds, the buildings are made out of styrofoam or something. Maybe not styrofoam. It's the normal styrofoam color, but... It's not really the styrofoam texture. You know? Probably like a marble texture. I've never really touched a building up here before. Weird, huh?
...Right, right, the story. So, I walk down Fifth Street, and turn onto Martin Luther King Jr. Street (yes, they have one of these in every town in Heaven as well), and walk down three buildings, and there it is. I walk up the path, and head into the Starbucks.
Jesus and Gandhi are all ready waiting, and greet me with "Opa!"s as I walk in (still not sure why, it's happened every time. Maybe they think I'm Greek... I'm not).
"Jordan!" said Jesus, standing up and hugging me, "It's been a while!"
I pat him on the back, "Same time as always!"
"Oh, you know we miss you," he said.
Gandhi was waiting on the other side of the table. "My turn!" he said, arms wide open.
I hugged him, and patted him on the back too. I guess I just do that sub-consciously. Weird how you notice things, huh? Damn.
I sat down, and Jesus raised his hand "Yo, waiter! Get us some cappucinos over here, stat!"
The waiter walked over with three cappucinos and set them down. "You know," he said, "Just because you're the son of God doesn't mean you can be an-"
He was interrupted by the sound of earth-shattering thunder. God knows how to threaten someone, know I sayin'? Shit, Scott.
The waiter walked away, and we began sipping our cappucinos (which, by the way, are much tastier in Heaven than they are back on Earth).
"So, catch me up on the gossip, guys!" I say, excited.
Gandhi smiles, he was the one to go to for gossip.
"All right," he began. "So, Elvis and Mary Lincoln were caught making out behind the Applebees on Wednesday. Abe totally kicked Elvis' ass, if you know I'm saying. Elvis has really let himself go."
"Mary Lincoln?" I ask, astounded.
"Yes, I know. I was surprised too," said Jesus. "She's recently become rather slutty. I guess Abe's not putting out."
Abraham Lincoln walked in.
"I heard Abe got crabs," added Gandhi.
Abraham Lincoln left.
"Crabs?" asked Jesus. "Who did that whore go and sleep with now?"
"Paula Abdul, this time," answered Gandhi (don't ask how Paula Abdul is in Heaven, it's a LONG story).
"Oh come now," I say. "Everyone knows she's been with every man since the 1920's."
"That's what I said!" said Jesus.
"Well, you know how bad Abe really wanted to win Heavenly Idol this year," said Gandhi.
"Ah," I say. "It's all coming together."
Jesus' eyes widened after taking a sip, he looked at Gandhi and started slaping the table, hopping in his chair and mumbling: "MM!" repeatedly. He was excited.
Gandhi just stared at him until he swallowed the cappucino remnants in his mouth.
"Tell him about what's supposed to happen!"
"Ah," said Gandhi. "This isn't good news."
"I can take it," I say, bracing myself.
"Satan and Judas are supposed to be coming up. They get to come up.. three times a year?"
Jesus nodded.
"Yeah, three times a year," Gandhi continued. "They're always trying to cause trouble."
As if summoned by coincidence, Satan and Judas walked into the room.
"Speak of the devil," said Jesus, standing up to face them. I laugh at how literal the saying was.
Satan brushed the greasy hair out of his greasy face. He was wearing a tux. Damn, he was sexy.
Judas looked like, you know, whatever Judas looks like.
"So, we meet again," said Satan.
Jesus rolled his eyes. "Come on, man. What the Hell do you want?"
Satan snapped, and the waiter gave him a cappucino. "Just wanted to say 'Hey'."
Gandhi grabbed his cane and stood up. "I can tell you're up to no good."
Satan just kind of looked at him, and then looked back at Jesus. "You, me, outside. Ten minutes, be there."
Jesus sighed. "You do this everytime."
"Well, maybe if you did more than drink cappucinos I'd have a harder time finding you!"
Judas chuckled, and Gandhi threw a scone at him (where the scone came from, or even if it was indeed a scone, I am afraid to even try to discover).
Satan and Judas left the Starbucks.
"I always get my ass kicked," said Jesus sadly.
"Not this time," I say, standing up. "You've got me to help this time."
Jesus and Gandhi high-fived. It was pretty great.
So, you know, we go outside. Satan and Judas are standing there, looking all menacing.
"Let's do this," said Satan.
I whisper something in Jesus' ear. He smiles, and whispers back: "Brilliant." We had this fight won.
Satan runs at Jesus, and Jesus kicks Satan in the penis.
Satan falls, and Gandhi starts beating him with his cane.
Judas runs up to help, and Jesus totally crucifies his ass. Revenge at it's finest.
Satan leaves in a fit of fire, Judas follows. "I'll be back, Jesus! Next vacation time! I'll be back! You can't drink cappucinos forever!"
Jesus laughs.
Gandhi laughs.
I laugh.
Jesus puts his hands on his hips. "That's what he thinks."